My blender

So yesterday my husband proved to be a genius. When he came home from work (after knowing I had a trying day with the kids) he brought me a blender! (Because as all geniuses know, kitchen appliances are the way to a girls heart. Well mine anyways.) This thing has ten different functions! (all clearly labeled) (Thank God)

Seeing as I have never used a blender before I figured my first attempt at a smoothie should be when everyone else was gone for the day. (Safe and snug, miles away from what could be the start of the apocalypse.) I loaded the blender up with strawberries, milk and ice, just to realize the bottom wasn’t on very tight. After fighting the flood of milk that drenched my kitchen, I screwed on the bottom tighter and tried again. As I pressed the smoothie button (and cringed, waiting for the worst) magic happened! Well not really. Smoothie happened. But for me, getting something right first try IS magic.

I’m thrilled to have a new addition to my kitchen collection, to be able to make milkshakes, smoothies, and whatever else I decide should be drinkable but isn’t. I’m also thrilled to have married a man that gets this. And me, he really gets me!


The old fashioned way

So. For most of my kitchen adventures I try to cook as old fashioned as my budget will allow. (So I still use the stove and oven my apartment came with instead of building a fire to cook over…we do not have a fireplace so that would be detrimental to us and our landlord) for example, I use a percolator instead of a coffee pot because in the event of the collapse of society (and with it electricity) I WILL build a fire, and desperately need coffee to fend of rioters. (And maybe zombies)

In the spirit of old fashioned cooking I went out and purchased a mortar and pestle for grinding herbs, and the ultimate goal: to make flour out of rice/ any other grain I can. of course I tried to wing making rice flour before I looked up how it was done. So I threw dry rice into my mortar and continued to try to pound it with the pestle. It resisted and refused to become flour. (What an ass hat!) Then of course (totally not in the spirit of “old fashioned” cooking) I Google searched how it was done. Step one: DON’T USE DRY RICE. IT WILL NEVER BE FLOUR YOU IDIOT. Step two: soak rice for six hours in water.

Well then. I set my rice to soak. (and i brooded over the fact that a webpage insulted my intelligence) (It’s the idiot if anyone is. Jerk faced douche sandwich webpage.) probably around eight hours later I remembered my rice was soaking and ran out to “save” it. (by grinding the shit out of it)

Spoon after spoon I grinned in my (now seen as WAY too small) mortar and pestle. My shoulders ached. My hip gave out. (Not really, but it could have!) And ta-da!!! I had a healthy little pile of gluten free flour to use!! (After sifting and re-grinding. And swearing. A lot.)

FINALLY! I could set to cooking! Lacking a very simple binder, (non-gluten, like xanthan gum. Not bubble gum. I made that mistake too.) I attempted to put together an easy recipe. Brownies! Amazingly even without the binder they hold up quite well. Not as well as they would if I had used tapioca starch or any of the other recommended binders, but not terrible!

I now know why some crocheters / knitters spin their own yarn to work with. When you put all the work into making something you can infuse it with all the good energies that you’d like! (or swearing. Mine is infused with curse words.) Now if only I could grow plants I could farm, then grind, then cook! But alas, I cannot grow plants. (I once killed a cactus. They said it couldn’t be done, but I triumphed.)


Now that I think about it, I’m far too lazy to put all of that into baking bread anyways. But with how good these brownies taste, I think it would be the best tasting bread in the whole world if I did.

Perhaps my daddy was right, hard work does pay off! In chocolaty goodness. Well…if you’re working hard at brownies at least.


So now that the wolf family has tv, direct tv to be exact, we have all turned into zombies. When we just had books (and my husband of course was swearing at his video game) (a lot.) We were gaining a valuable amount of brain power! (Well my step son and I were. My husband was just advancing his cussing abilities.) But now, we can press a magic button and turn off our brains! All for the low monthly price of blah-blah-blah!
Now I’m not mocking anyone who uses tv as their course of relaxation/entertainment, but seriously, yesterday I forgot how doors work. It was independence day and I forgot how to door. And that “door” isn’t a verb. (Well now it is. Deal with it.)
All those days my parents would say: “you’ll drain your brain by sitting in front of the boob tube!” (Now boob-plasma?  Boob-LED? Whatever.) I see they had a point. For example my step daughter will stop answering in anything that isn’t an “mmhmm. Uh-uh.” and pretty much doesn’t grasp anything when her show is on. (Great if step-mom/dad needs a nap by the way.) But What if tomorrow she forgets how to door!! These are worries every parent should have. Keep your kids active and force them to read so they remember how to door.
I am almost tempted to turn this thing off and never have a tv in my home! And then I remember the science channel. And the history channel. And man-vs-food. (God I love that show!!) And who doesn’t love the mass fear spread by the news! “Stay on your toes, the president is coming to take your guns blah blah.” So I guess we’ll keep it. And maybe get rid of all of our doors. Just in case.