The old fashioned way

So. For most of my kitchen adventures I try to cook as old fashioned as my budget will allow. (So I still use the stove and oven my apartment came with instead of building a fire to cook over…we do not have a fireplace so that would be detrimental to us and our landlord) for example, I use a percolator instead of a coffee pot because in the event of the collapse of society (and with it electricity) I WILL build a fire, and desperately need coffee to fend of rioters. (And maybe zombies)

In the spirit of old fashioned cooking I went out and purchased a mortar and pestle for grinding herbs, and the ultimate goal: to make flour out of rice/ any other grain I can. of course I tried to wing making rice flour before I looked up how it was done. So I threw dry rice into my mortar and continued to try to pound it with the pestle. It resisted and refused to become flour. (What an ass hat!) Then of course (totally not in the spirit of “old fashioned” cooking) I Google searched how it was done. Step one: DON’T USE DRY RICE. IT WILL NEVER BE FLOUR YOU IDIOT. Step two: soak rice for six hours in water.

Well then. I set my rice to soak. (and i brooded over the fact that a webpage insulted my intelligence) (It’s the idiot if anyone is. Jerk faced douche sandwich webpage.) probably around eight hours later I remembered my rice was soaking and ran out to “save” it. (by grinding the shit out of it)

Spoon after spoon I grinned in my (now seen as WAY too small) mortar and pestle. My shoulders ached. My hip gave out. (Not really, but it could have!) And ta-da!!! I had a healthy little pile of gluten free flour to use!! (After sifting and re-grinding. And swearing. A lot.)

FINALLY! I could set to cooking! Lacking a very simple binder, (non-gluten, like xanthan gum. Not bubble gum. I made that mistake too.) I attempted to put together an easy recipe. Brownies! Amazingly even without the binder they hold up quite well. Not as well as they would if I had used tapioca starch or any of the other recommended binders, but not terrible!

I now know why some crocheters / knitters spin their own yarn to work with. When you put all the work into making something you can infuse it with all the good energies that you’d like! (or swearing. Mine is infused with curse words.) Now if only I could grow plants I could farm, then grind, then cook! But alas, I cannot grow plants. (I once killed a cactus. They said it couldn’t be done, but I triumphed.)

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Now that I think about it, I’m far too lazy to put all of that into baking bread anyways. But with how good these brownies taste, I think it would be the best tasting bread in the whole world if I did.

Perhaps my daddy was right, hard work does pay off! In chocolaty goodness. Well…if you’re working hard at brownies at least.

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